Thursday, December 21, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Last Piece Of Cake (For Now)
AJ - If I'm ever in Malaysia I'll look you up and let you cook for me ;)
Andi - One of the original four blogs I used to read obsessively back when I first started blogging, must be a year ago now (yep, this blog wasn't my first). You're always entertaining, its weird how I almost feel like I know you. Drop me an email anytime :)
Awaiting Xtasy - You fucking rock, girl. Need more be said? Keep in touch ;)
Bastard Bastard Harbour Master - A personal friend, love ya long time, gorgeous :)
Brianne - A blogger who has me in fucking stitches, I love reading about your life, keep it up :)
CyberPete - If I'm ever in your area I'll buy you something shiny in a glass with a high alcohol content and an umbrella. Keep in touch :)
Fewclewz - Your comments are fucking hysterical. I'll give you a shout when we get to Sydney, methinks beer will be in order ;)
Funny Thing - You're fucking hysterical, everytime I read your blog my sides spilt. Not literally though, that would just be gross.
IDV - Yeah, sorry about that coffee incident. Here, have some cake to make up for it.
*puts remaining laxatives back in the drawer and runs off to smear superglue on the toilet seat*
Jay - The second of the four blogs I've been reading since I discovered blogging. You need to stop doubting your writing and artistic skills, never have I read a blog with sooo many words in it that has kept me reading right to the end of the post. You're funny and captivating and probably drop dead gorgeous too :P
Jungle Jane - Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up. You're funny and original, ask Muck, she'll tell ya, I wouldn't shut up about your blog after I found it :)
Lady Muck - Ranty midget and a personal friend which is why I can get away with calling her a ranty midget without her biting my ankles ;) Love ya darlin, you're one of my favourite people.
Lee - You big glittery gay. I've been reading your blog since year dot an all, you're fucking hilarious but you don't need me to tell you that :)
Marcus Tal - Your poetry touches me and not in a filthy way your mother wouldn't approve of. Keep it up.
NCEFABN - Well your one of my closest friends anyway and I'll see you when you come out to visit so an emotional goodbye seems somehow pointless.
Px - Fucking smile! ;) And keep in touch m'dear, probably see you online soon enough.
Qenny - You make me blow tea out of my nose. This is why I can no longer drink tea in internet cafes. Drop us an email :)
Runemeister - Hope the new(ish) job is going well, mate. I haven't had the internet time to check up on ya but I genuinely hope everything is going good for ya. My email address is plastered all over this blog, feel free to use it :)
Spike - Fancy a beer when we finally get to Sydney next year? :)
Tazzy & Piggy - Fucking loved your blog since they day I layed eyes on it and I guess its not your fault you're from the wrong side of the Pennines so all the best. One day I'll probably pester you to teach me how to do fancy things with photos.
*carefully refrains from calling them cunts so as to not spoil the tender moment*
Tickersoid - My cyber dad ;) And the funniest man on the net, your blog is one of my favourites. I consider you to be a friend, keep in touch :)
Webmiztris - Yours was the first blog I found that I came back to regularly and hopefully I'll be able to keep coming back to it. I love your outlook on life and your blog has kept me entertained for at least a year.
And everyone else including but not limited to; Becky, Christine, Dora & Tina, First Nations, Imogen, Jesus Toast, KyahGirl, Missy, No Shit Sherlock, Phosgene Kid, Polyman, Snooze, Swearing Lady and Tina
And anyone I forgot, it doesn't mean you don't rock, you do, it just means I have to go before I get myself into too much debt.
Keep In Touch.
Andi - One of the original four blogs I used to read obsessively back when I first started blogging, must be a year ago now (yep, this blog wasn't my first). You're always entertaining, its weird how I almost feel like I know you. Drop me an email anytime :)
Awaiting Xtasy - You fucking rock, girl. Need more be said? Keep in touch ;)
Bastard Bastard Harbour Master - A personal friend, love ya long time, gorgeous :)
Brianne - A blogger who has me in fucking stitches, I love reading about your life, keep it up :)
CyberPete - If I'm ever in your area I'll buy you something shiny in a glass with a high alcohol content and an umbrella. Keep in touch :)
Fewclewz - Your comments are fucking hysterical. I'll give you a shout when we get to Sydney, methinks beer will be in order ;)
Funny Thing - You're fucking hysterical, everytime I read your blog my sides spilt. Not literally though, that would just be gross.
IDV - Yeah, sorry about that coffee incident. Here, have some cake to make up for it.
*puts remaining laxatives back in the drawer and runs off to smear superglue on the toilet seat*
Jay - The second of the four blogs I've been reading since I discovered blogging. You need to stop doubting your writing and artistic skills, never have I read a blog with sooo many words in it that has kept me reading right to the end of the post. You're funny and captivating and probably drop dead gorgeous too :P
Jungle Jane - Your blog is what my blog wants to be when it grows up. You're funny and original, ask Muck, she'll tell ya, I wouldn't shut up about your blog after I found it :)
Lady Muck - Ranty midget and a personal friend which is why I can get away with calling her a ranty midget without her biting my ankles ;) Love ya darlin, you're one of my favourite people.
Lee - You big glittery gay. I've been reading your blog since year dot an all, you're fucking hilarious but you don't need me to tell you that :)
Marcus Tal - Your poetry touches me and not in a filthy way your mother wouldn't approve of. Keep it up.
NCEFABN - Well your one of my closest friends anyway and I'll see you when you come out to visit so an emotional goodbye seems somehow pointless.
Px - Fucking smile! ;) And keep in touch m'dear, probably see you online soon enough.
Qenny - You make me blow tea out of my nose. This is why I can no longer drink tea in internet cafes. Drop us an email :)
Runemeister - Hope the new(ish) job is going well, mate. I haven't had the internet time to check up on ya but I genuinely hope everything is going good for ya. My email address is plastered all over this blog, feel free to use it :)
Spike - Fancy a beer when we finally get to Sydney next year? :)
Tazzy & Piggy - Fucking loved your blog since they day I layed eyes on it and I guess its not your fault you're from the wrong side of the Pennines so all the best. One day I'll probably pester you to teach me how to do fancy things with photos.
*carefully refrains from calling them cunts so as to not spoil the tender moment*
Tickersoid - My cyber dad ;) And the funniest man on the net, your blog is one of my favourites. I consider you to be a friend, keep in touch :)
Webmiztris - Yours was the first blog I found that I came back to regularly and hopefully I'll be able to keep coming back to it. I love your outlook on life and your blog has kept me entertained for at least a year.
And everyone else including but not limited to; Becky, Christine, Dora & Tina, First Nations, Imogen, Jesus Toast, KyahGirl, Missy, No Shit Sherlock, Phosgene Kid, Polyman, Snooze, Swearing Lady and Tina
And anyone I forgot, it doesn't mean you don't rock, you do, it just means I have to go before I get myself into too much debt.
Keep In Touch.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Job Satisfaction
Pruning vines isn't the most enjoyable job in the world so I've been trying to think of ways to make it more bearable and I have decided that if I knew exactly what I was pruning I would find my job more fulfilling and meaningful.
The vinyard I work for sell their grapes to a company in Griffith who turn them into [yellow tail] which apparently they do sell in the UK but I wouldn't have noticed if it didn't have the words "Special Offer" or "Buy 3 For A Tenner" written on the price tag.
So in a noble attempt to keep the Australian economy afloat I tracked down a bottle of [yellow tail] shiraz which I purchased for the princely sum of $10.95.
Less than a fiver.
The only way this wine could be any more Me is if it came in a box or was in fact Lambrini if Lambrini was to be made from grapes which of course it isn't. I'm not too sure what it is made out of. Alcoholic's Urine, I think.
Anyway, I drank the bottle over the weekend and returned to work on Monday hoping to feel somehow more enlightened but by then we'd started pruning the merlot and the bottle of shiraz that I had painstakingly consumed seemed somehow wasted. Once again I felt empty and unfulfilled.
There's only one thing for it; extensive experimentation is in order.
If you need me I'll be at the bottle shop.
Edit:
*hic*
You're larrrverly you are arentchoo ay?
*hic*
Gisha shnog.
The vinyard I work for sell their grapes to a company in Griffith who turn them into [yellow tail] which apparently they do sell in the UK but I wouldn't have noticed if it didn't have the words "Special Offer" or "Buy 3 For A Tenner" written on the price tag.
So in a noble attempt to keep the Australian economy afloat I tracked down a bottle of [yellow tail] shiraz which I purchased for the princely sum of $10.95.
Less than a fiver.
The only way this wine could be any more Me is if it came in a box or was in fact Lambrini if Lambrini was to be made from grapes which of course it isn't. I'm not too sure what it is made out of. Alcoholic's Urine, I think.
Anyway, I drank the bottle over the weekend and returned to work on Monday hoping to feel somehow more enlightened but by then we'd started pruning the merlot and the bottle of shiraz that I had painstakingly consumed seemed somehow wasted. Once again I felt empty and unfulfilled.
There's only one thing for it; extensive experimentation is in order.
If you need me I'll be at the bottle shop.
Edit:
*hic*
You're larrrverly you are arentchoo ay?
*hic*
Gisha shnog.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Today's Random Thought
What the fuck kind of sadistic cunt puts a fish and chip shop right opposite a gym?
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Back To The Grind
On account of the fact I'm in Australia on a 12 month Working Holiday Visa, under a new-ish scheme, if I do three months "seasonal work in regional Australia" they might just let me stay for another year.
This roughly translates as three hellish months in a job you don't want in a part of Australia you never wanted to visit. In my case, vine pruning in Echuca-Moama. Oh joy.
In order to work outdoors in the middle of winter you need certain things. Things like:
Plaid Flanelette Shirt
Sleeves must be rolled up to the elbows at every available opportunity. Unfortunately my forearms aren't yet substantial enough to fully do it justice but this shouldn't be too much of a problem on account of the fact that vine pruning is the other daily workout for your wrists and forearms.
Warm Hat
It is a well known fact that the warmer the hat the more retarded it makes you look. Ear flaps are an added bonus for elite spastic chic.
Wellington Boots (Gumboots)
Traditionally used by the Welsh to keep sheep still.
*winks at Tickers*
Safety Goggles
Ideally wait until you nearly take your eye out with a wayward vine thus causing blurred vision in one eye and a feeling similar to that of a permanant eyelash stuck under your eyelid before requesting a pair of these. It adds to the Seasonal Work Experience.
Gloves
Won't stop you getting blisters or ease the pain that will wrack your torn wrists but will complete that "mum dressed me this morning" look.
Waterproof Jacket And Trousers
Make sure they leak. It lets you know you're still alive.
Brain
Not necessary. Leave this in the shed for the dogs to chew on, by the time you finish this job that's all it'll be good for.
Two days down, only... *counts*... erm... *drools a bit*... what was I saying?
Ooh, LOOKY at the shiny map thingy.
This roughly translates as three hellish months in a job you don't want in a part of Australia you never wanted to visit. In my case, vine pruning in Echuca-Moama. Oh joy.
In order to work outdoors in the middle of winter you need certain things. Things like:
Plaid Flanelette Shirt
Sleeves must be rolled up to the elbows at every available opportunity. Unfortunately my forearms aren't yet substantial enough to fully do it justice but this shouldn't be too much of a problem on account of the fact that vine pruning is the other daily workout for your wrists and forearms.
Warm Hat
It is a well known fact that the warmer the hat the more retarded it makes you look. Ear flaps are an added bonus for elite spastic chic.
Wellington Boots (Gumboots)
Traditionally used by the Welsh to keep sheep still.
*winks at Tickers*
Safety Goggles
Ideally wait until you nearly take your eye out with a wayward vine thus causing blurred vision in one eye and a feeling similar to that of a permanant eyelash stuck under your eyelid before requesting a pair of these. It adds to the Seasonal Work Experience.
Gloves
Won't stop you getting blisters or ease the pain that will wrack your torn wrists but will complete that "mum dressed me this morning" look.
Waterproof Jacket And Trousers
Make sure they leak. It lets you know you're still alive.
Brain
Not necessary. Leave this in the shed for the dogs to chew on, by the time you finish this job that's all it'll be good for.
Two days down, only... *counts*... erm... *drools a bit*... what was I saying?
Ooh, LOOKY at the shiny map thingy.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Another Painful Attempt At A Travel Blog
Alternate Title: Too Slack To Think Of Anything Suitably Witty And Clever To Write So Just Going To Copy And Paste Directly From The Blog I Maintain To Let My Family Know I’m Still Alive.
Ballina – Has A Big Prawn
Bow down to your crustacean master.
Byron Bay – Has Some Hippies
You know how in Alaska they have about 50 different words for snow? Well in the UK we have 290 different words for rain but only one word can describe the rain we had in Byron Bay; Torrential.
It’s the kind of unrelenting rain that highlights all kinds of exciting things such as the fact that the wipers on the car don’t wipe the water away so much as move it around a bit and the caravan leaks in two places.
Also you can’t move for knitwear and purple trousers.
Nimbin – Cannabis Capital Of Australia
Despite the fact the only thing I inhale into my lungs these days is fresh air and occasionally a bit of salt water during my sporadic attempts at snorkelling Nimbin is still cool.
It’s small but has huge personality, once the haze of incense and pot smoke clears you’re met with a tiny little village where every other person squints at you through swollen, red eyes and wonders if you would like to purchase one of their "good, strong marijuana cookies."
Anyway, I’m off to resist the urge to grow dreddlocks, wear knitted jumpers and wander round smelling of patchouli with a dog on a piece of string.
Ballina – Has A Big Prawn
Bow down to your crustacean master.
Byron Bay – Has Some Hippies
You know how in Alaska they have about 50 different words for snow? Well in the UK we have 290 different words for rain but only one word can describe the rain we had in Byron Bay; Torrential.
It’s the kind of unrelenting rain that highlights all kinds of exciting things such as the fact that the wipers on the car don’t wipe the water away so much as move it around a bit and the caravan leaks in two places.
Also you can’t move for knitwear and purple trousers.
Nimbin – Cannabis Capital Of Australia
Despite the fact the only thing I inhale into my lungs these days is fresh air and occasionally a bit of salt water during my sporadic attempts at snorkelling Nimbin is still cool.
It’s small but has huge personality, once the haze of incense and pot smoke clears you’re met with a tiny little village where every other person squints at you through swollen, red eyes and wonders if you would like to purchase one of their "good, strong marijuana cookies."
Anyway, I’m off to resist the urge to grow dreddlocks, wear knitted jumpers and wander round smelling of patchouli with a dog on a piece of string.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Throw Another Shrimp On The Barbie, Mate
Join me next week when I shall be attempting to tie my kangaroo down, sport.
(Of course we waited for it to rain before we had a BBQ. I'm still British after all)
PS: I'm so very sorry about this post. I had minutes to cobble it together before I had to
PPS: Jungle Jane, there's lesbian fisting on my blog?! What the fuck have you lot been up to in my absence and why did no one email me the Polaroids?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Random Nuggets Of Information
It is sand’s sole purpose in life to get into as many places it doesn’t belong as possible. If these places cause painful chaffing which results in a walk similar to that of a popular rent boy on his first night then sand considers it a bonus. Sand is in fact a cunt.
…………………………………………………………
I discovered I suck at golf. This isn’t a bad thing. I never looked good in argyle.
…………………………………………………………
I also discovered that attempting to body board at somewhere that warrants the name "Surfers Paradise" is one of the best forms of resistance training there is. It's also a fantastic way to nearly drown and increase your salt intake by up to 230%.
…………………………………………………………
Body boarding is easier if you’re actually on the board as opposed to standing with your back to the wave with your eyes shut, brandishing the board in front of you.
…………………………………………………………
Bought a wetsuit, its one of them ones with no sleeves so I can show off my ink as Icatch some waves dance about on the shoreline squealing like a girl because the water’s too cold. …………………………………………………………
Got a hair cut.
I was going to get the word “LESBIAN” tattooed across my forehead tomorrow but I don’t need to bother now.
…………………………………………………………
The campsite we’re staying at offers two hours of free WiFi access a day but its filtered so I can’t access sites with too much profanity and as you lot are a bunch of foul mouthed cunts it means that whilst I think I can post I can’t read any of your blogs (and I can’t access mine) on account of the fact they’re all blocked.
So I still can’t blog properly. I’m suffering withdrawal. You may all feel free to email me with your latest posts but please bear in my that if there’s to much swearing in emails this fascist fucking filter won’t let me read it.
That is all.
*wanders off attempting to remove sand from crack*
I discovered I suck at golf. This isn’t a bad thing. I never looked good in argyle.
I also discovered that attempting to body board at somewhere that warrants the name "Surfers Paradise" is one of the best forms of resistance training there is. It's also a fantastic way to nearly drown and increase your salt intake by up to 230%.
Body boarding is easier if you’re actually on the board as opposed to standing with your back to the wave with your eyes shut, brandishing the board in front of you.
Bought a wetsuit, its one of them ones with no sleeves so I can show off my ink as I
Got a hair cut.
I was going to get the word “LESBIAN” tattooed across my forehead tomorrow but I don’t need to bother now.
The campsite we’re staying at offers two hours of free WiFi access a day but its filtered so I can’t access sites with too much profanity and as you lot are a bunch of foul mouthed cunts it means that whilst I think I can post I can’t read any of your blogs (and I can’t access mine) on account of the fact they’re all blocked.
So I still can’t blog properly. I’m suffering withdrawal. You may all feel free to email me with your latest posts but please bear in my that if there’s to much swearing in emails this fascist fucking filter won’t let me read it.
That is all.
*wanders off attempting to remove sand from crack*
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Absence Explained
All this Having A Life and Getting Out More is having an impact on my ability to blog properly on account of the fact I no longer have the required eight hours of company time a day to devote to The Cause.
Posting has been sporadic and second rate and I don't have the time to sit in front of the laptop like a slack jawed imbecile while I get my daily entertainment from you guys who have kept me sane through the dull times in and out of the office.
I have also been brutally forced to use my time online to do sensible, grown up things such as look for a car and search for the best insurance, this has traumatised me greatly and I can but apologise for this blatent misuse of the Information Superhighway.
Anyway, as soon as it rains I'm gonna take a break from all this relaxing that takes up so much time and find a WiFi Hotspot so I can get round everyones blogs and see what you've been up to. Because I do miss y'all.
Really.
Even IDV
Posting has been sporadic and second rate and I don't have the time to sit in front of the laptop like a slack jawed imbecile while I get my daily entertainment from you guys who have kept me sane through the dull times in and out of the office.
I have also been brutally forced to use my time online to do sensible, grown up things such as look for a car and search for the best insurance, this has traumatised me greatly and I can but apologise for this blatent misuse of the Information Superhighway.
Anyway, as soon as it rains I'm gonna take a break from all this relaxing that takes up so much time and find a WiFi Hotspot so I can get round everyones blogs and see what you've been up to. Because I do miss y'all.
Really.
Even IDV
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