H admitted himself into the psychiatric hospital earlier tonight after threatening to kill himself with a shotgun that I wasn't aware he had. (It was hidden under the bed in my son's room.) I know that had he not done so voluntarily, the 6 officers and 2 paramedics that arrived (as a result of my 911 call) were willing to use the evidence they had against him to have him involuntarily committed. Instead, however, they worked with him so gently (I was impressed) to get him to agree to get this help for himself. The officers tried especially hard to normalize what he was feeling and thinking, even speaking about their own struggles to deal with their anger in the line of duty. Not once did they threaten to have him committed, but they did insist that he needed help. Standing in the middle of the road, with tears and snot freezing up on his face, he finally agreed.
This was my H's response to me finally expressing my frustration about his infidelity. I've been trying so hard to deal with it in healthy ways and only sharing my fears as I know he can relate to those without feeling judged. But, today... I was angry. And I was judgmental. Obviously, I've been angry with HER from the get-go, but it seems that over the past few days, I've come to realize how retarded and unhealthy it is for me to transfer my anger towards him onto her. I mean, technically, she isn't the one who hurt me. SHE never had the power to do that... he did! And he only had that power, because I gave it to him. But, that's what we do when we love someone... over time, we hand this power over to them and trust that they will not abuse it.
In the past few posts, I've mentioned how H and I have been doing a lot of talking and hashing things out. If not for the triggers I wrote about in a previous post, I would say that most days, I likely would not think about this at all. I made my decision to stay based on the fact that right now, my H really just does not GET IT. His mind is sick and for a very long time, nothing in this world has made sense to him. People don't make sense to him. To me, it is no different than if he had dementia or even a physical disability that would require me to push him around in a wheel chair for the rest of his life. I made a commitment to him that I would be here for him... for better or worse, in SICKNESS and in health. When the man is not feeling haunted by his own triggers, he is the most patient, loving and thoughtful man I've ever known in my life. I just wish everyone else (especially his family) could see (and I mean REALLY see) this part of him that actually screams out, "I'm better than NORMAL." Instead though, they focus on the monster that comes out of him because they simply don't understand it. The monster hurts, fears and frustrates them... I know that. I can also see that dealing with my H is actually a trigger for each of them. Really being supportive of him would mean opening themselves up to scabbed-over wounds that they would just rather not pick at.
I get by most days remaining mindful of the fact that H is doing the best he can with what he's got to work with right now. Other days though, mindfulness is difficult because I get to feeling like I am consciously subjecting myself to the inevitable pain that comes along with being in a relationship with someone who cannot control his urges. I find myself asking ME... WHY AM I PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS? Amazingly, H has this uncanny ability to read this question all over my face. He read it today... and I couldn't deny it. Up until now, I've been able to reassure him that I am not going anywhere... that I'm here for him. I couldn't say that today. It felt too dishonest, because in these moments, when life is totally about me and my own pain, I do very much want to run... far, far away!!! I've been able to contain these urges, but it has NOT been without a struggle, believe me! Today, in order to NOT run, I opted to BE angry. And clearly, he understood the pain behind my anger all too well.
I recognize that what I've needed from him is to know that he understands how much he hurt me. But, how does one demonstrate this understanding?
I guess when they are sick, they do it by demonstrating to you how much they want to DIE.
BOOKMARK THIS POST
