Wordless Wednesday: She'll Fit Right In

This is Maddy. She's our little cousin that we just met. I think that face runs in the family.



I get the privilege of babysitting her a couple times a week. It gives me another pair of chubby cheeks to photograph.



She's about the same age as The Cuteness. However, he seems a tad stoic about receiving a hug from someone his size.

more WW here and here

Logic

Apparently some people-based media site fueled by CNN has picked up the vlog Purple States made of me. Ok, fine. I didn't expect that. I also didn't expect people that I don't even know to refuse to use logic and come after me for homeschooling. Let's explore this line of thinking, shall we?

If you haven't read them for yourself, it goes something like this: I sound pretty optimistic in my vlog. Because they edited some of it out, it sounds like I think no one is suffering financially. Not true. I just don't know anyone PERSONALLY. There's a difference. Even if I did, I am of the sort that likes to look on the bright side. Wanna know why? I struggled with suicidal depression for a few years. I've been off medication for about 4 years now and there are just certain things I don't let myself do anymore.

Giving into despair is one of them. I'm a firm believer in always finding something to be thankful for. I expected people to accuse me of burying my head in the sand or even wearing rose colored glasses. Whatever. They don't know me so how can they know that I am actually a fairly hard lined person about many things.

What I didn't expect was them to bring up the fact that I homeschool and how I am giving my kids my narrow view of the world. This is my daughter. She's reading a book on superheroes. Hulk is on the cover. Yep, I guess that's pretty narrow minded of me. I sure like to keep 'em in that bubble of protection.

Does this look like a kid with issues? Ok. Nevermind.

But seriously. How does logic lead one to criticize my optimistic outlook on the economy to dissing me for homeschooling to claiming that I'm messing up my gremlins with my narrow view? Do these guys look sheltered and maladjusted?

I homeschool to offer them ample time for their creative pursuits. Time they won't get in a public school setting. Time that, I believe, will help them hone their talents and hopefully give them the opportunity to pursue them as careers. The last time I checked, I was their mother and educator, so why don't you let me worry about what kind of exposure they're getting from the world.

Ultimately, I'm responsible for making sure they see all sides of a matter. Don't act like you know my philosophy on life just because you watched me on a 3 minute vlog.

Guess what? I don't believe in evolution either. Yet I took my children to a museum that was all about the evolution. I let them read the signs. I let them use their brains. And you know what? They thought it was hilarious. Without any help from me.

My kids are normal. Don't worry. I don't plan on sending out narrow minded optimists in about 15 years. I do plan on sending out 4 head strong super heroes who just might rock this world. And I'm hoping they'll be able to use a little more logic than some of the folks around the internet.

Relief

I'm relieved. Today Purple States TV is airing a vlog from some video files I sent them and I don't look like an idiot. At least, not in my opinion. I'm sure some watching me blather on about my opinions of the economy will be shaking their heads, but oh well.

My friend Brandy alerted me to this by forwarding me a listing on Craigslist that this site was still needing a blogger/vlogger from Kansas to answer some questions about the economy. I deleted that email not thinking I would have anything intelligent to add on the subject, even for the small amount that they were paying. But the next day, I changed my mind and contacted them to see if they had found anyone from Kansas yet.

They hadn't and sent me some questions to answer and instructions on how to film it and I sent them my files, hoping to heaven I wouldn't look stupid with my simple outlook on these kinds of things. They ended putting together a very nice looking vlog that I am extremely happy about.

Aside from all that, I really like what they are doing over there. Anyone can register and leave comments and it's just great to hear what everyone is really thinking about our country's economic and political situation. Keep in mind, this isn't my normal cup of tea, but I think that's the point. They're wanting everyone's take on it.

So head over there and check out my vlog and the other states that have been done (they're on the side.) And while you're at it, join in the discussion! It's pretty interesting.

Letters From Your Friendly Cashier: Vol 47

Dear Shoppers of the Market,

During this season of hustle and bustle and grabbing of the last bargain priced Dell desktop on the display while you shove old ladies and children out of the way, I'd like to appeal to your humanity. The side of your humanity that, somewhere down the corridor of time, learned that it's not ok to shove and smack while in public. Like the Captain and Maria sang in "The Sound of Music", somewhere in your youth or childhood, there must've been something good.

Something good in that greed mongering heart of yours that is trying to warn you that trampling people to death to get to the two hour price reductions is just not cool. In fact, it's evil. And in my friendly opinion, you should not only get jail time for such an act, but also a visit from Chuck Norris everyday in your cell for a little lesson in the smack down.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let's get to the mini smack down. Join me.

To the person of female gender that took a pregnancy test in the bathroom:

I could only think of one word to describe seeing a used pregnancy test on the bathroom counter: KLASSY. By the way, in case you ran out before the results came up...you're not pregnant. Congrats. Or not. Thanks for letting us share in your news. We get so little excitement around here, you know.

To the girl trying to return ripped up jeans:

Here's the deal. When people return clothing, as a general rule we don't take them back if they've been obviously worn. Or even washed. But those jeans you brought in? Did you rope some cattle in them or something? Were you playing International Spy and dangling from the top of a ferris wheel somewhere exotic?

Because those jeans were in bad shape. Ripped on the bottoms and dirty to boot. And you didn't have a receipt. My guess is that you were hard up for some money. Your boyfriend was standing right behind you and I could just imagine the conversation you had at home right before coming to see me.

Boyfriend: Dude. We're out of weed.

You: Crap. Like, whatever.

Boyfriend: Ask your mom for some money.

You: Like, she totally cut me off after she found my crack pipe.

Boyfriend: Uhhh, hey you know those jeans you wore when we were roping cattle?

You: The ripped up ones? Whatever.

Boyfriend: Let's take them to The Market and see if they'll give us our money back.

You: Like, totally.

Guess you'll have to think of another way to make money. You could totally, like, get a job or whatever.

To the lady who found a better deal on another airbed:

We have an airbed return policy. It's posted not only behind the service desk, but on a very large sign right by the airbeds themselves. Apparently you not only refused to read the sign, but you refused to accept my word for it when I tried to explain that we could not refund your money on the airbed due to the fact that you had opened it. Had you not opened it, we could refund your stinkin' money. But as things stood, we could only exchange.

This made you very angry. And for that I'm sorry. But right out of the gate, you demanded to speak to management and when he came and totally backed me up, you had the longest staring contest with him that I've ever seen at The Market. As if you thought that by standing there looking around in disgust that he would change his mind.

As if your angry explanation that you'd found another airbed for way cheaper somewhere else and now you don't need this one could change his mind. As if spewing words of hatred and bitterness could change our policy.

And when you finally let him out of your death grip of a stare and he was released to go, and I thanked him, you spewed your vileness at me, "What are you thanking him for? He didn't do s***!"

And so badly did I want to say, "Yes he did. He totally had my back and didn't undermine me like has happened so many other times with you irate people. You come in here and think I should move heaven and earth because you didn't take the time to read the big policy sign right in front of your product."

Better luck next time,
The Friendly Cashier

No Bake Cookies: Your Butt Will Hate You

The other day I got a craving for a little gem of a cookie that I hadn't made for years. I see them at The Market where I work and I endure a fierce battle in my mind every time a customer comes through with a pack of them. Because I've lost 15+ pounds in the last few months and those cookies are The Devil.

But then I got sick and had my girly time (sorry boy readers) at the same time and well, my defenses were down. I made the cookies. In fact, I made them twice. Only the second time, I did remember to take pictures so the 2% of you who have never made these can see how it's done.

The beauty/evil of these cookies is that they are super quick: to make and to eat mass quantities. And most of us have the stuff in our cupboards already. DRAT! It's too easy!! You can find the recipe I used here. But I have to say I was bummed because I used to have one from my grandmother for these and it's now in the same wormhole as a couple remotes I lost and one of my favorite striped socks from last winter.

Here you can see you'll need milk, butter/margarine, peanut butter, chocolate chips, quick oats, vanilla, and SUGAR.

I do this the lazy way. I use one big pot and mix it all in there. I hate washing dishes,so it's not likely I would use another bowl unless someone was holding a knife to my throat. Anyway, throw the stick of butter in there, along with the milk...

...and the massive amount of sugar.

Then stir it a little and bring it to a rolling boil. That means boil the heck out of it. This is VERY important: once it really starts boiling hard, set your timer for one minute. You absolutely MUST boil it hard for one minute. No less. Or else they won't set until the next day and everyone will be eating goopy cookies from a plate with a fork. Not that I would know anything about that.

After a full minute has passed, quickly add the other stuff in. The recipe I used says peanut butter is optional. They blaspheme. Peanut butter is NEVER optional. I spit on you Optional Peanut Butter Fools! Unless you are someone who will suffocate from peanut allergies, then I guess that would be cool to leave it out. We don't want any of that going on.

Add the oats. Which are the only healthy thing going for this cookie. It's because of the oats that I am duped into eating mass quantities every time I make them.

You'll want to finish stirring the rest of the stuff in there quickly because if you boiled properly, this stuff will already begin to harden a bit. So don't mess around. No texting or twittering or Facebooking or plucking chin hairs in between the steps.

Get some wax paper and plop some globs onto it. Don't make them too big or they'll set slower. Then you have to wait to eat them. That stinks.

I've had varied results with the setting time. Sometimes they set within 15 minutes. Sometimes they don't set until the next day. They say that has to do with the boiling thing. I say it has to do with the economy. Why not? Everyone blames everything else on that.

One should really work out after eating these. I'm just saying. But I've been sick, so I haven't worked out. And I ate a lot of them. I have a feeling you will too. They were totally worth it.

Letters From Your Friendly Cashier: Vol 3

This just in: I didn't win. I came in third. So it's time to pull up my super socks and get on with my life. Thanks for all the votes! I have more friends than I thought. I didn't think enough people even knew about my blog to put me in 3rd! I'm touched. In more ways than you can guess.

So to thank you for voting for me, here's a classic Friendly Cashier that you can't find anywhere except the published first volume.

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Dear Sweltering From The Heat, Yet You Came To See Me Anyway Customers,

I’m writing this a mere hour since my last shift, so forgive my woozy remarks. As you go about your weekend business, may you find solace in the cool enchantment of your air conditioners and think on these few nuggets of insight I’m about to bestow upon you.

To the guy with the bright yellow shirt that said, “Yes You Can”–

Bless your soul. How did you plan your strategic arrival to my register at the very moment my mind started screaming, “I JUST CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS NONSENSE, NO I CAN’T!” ? I needed your bright shirt of encouragement at that moment in my night, and you came through. You’re a peach.

To the teenager doing the pee-pee dance–

I must say, that was an interesting interpretation of the movement formerly belonging to toddlerhood. Nice of you to let me in on it.

To the guy wearing the shirt that said, “Cut your mullet” –

I wholeheartedly agree.

To the various people who said some version of “Oh Look Mildred, She Looks Like She Needs Something To Do” or “Boy! You Look Really Bored. Here’s Something For Ya To Do!”–

Every once in awhile, there’s a gap between ringing up you nice folks' items. And sure, I could busy myself with wiping down things, or straightening the antibacterial goop, or alphabetizing the mints (which I’d probably get in trouble for), but sometimes I like to stand there and space out. It’s my due after working feverishly for five hours hefting 24 packs of Diet Pepsi and throwing millions of deodorant sticks into the plastic sacks.

And when you catch me in that small window and say such things to me, I have to ask myself, and now you:

Should I be grinning all Cheshire-like to the emptiness in front of me?
Should I look all chipper and high on illegal drugs whilst I’m wiping down the register?
Or chit chat with my pretend friend Horatio in between the visits I get with you nice chaps?

Just wondering what you would do.


To the unsuspecting innocent bystanding customer who happened to catch me ranting to my manager and raising my usually pleasant voice after a particularly difficult 25 minute stretch–

My deepest regret to you. For you had to witness first hand my unfriendly side.

To the lady who unwittingly put my pen in her purse–

I know it wasn’t a purposeful theft. And while I did feel bad when I asked for it back and you had to dig to China and back to find it at the bottom of your purse (and really don’t things travel fast in there sometimes?), you must understand that while I’m usually a generous gal, without my pen I possess none of the superpowers I need for this job.

And although I have many other colorful hoi polloi to address, I’ll end with these two:

To the muscley motorcycle guy buying the two bouquets of roses–

I know you had to wait an extra five minutes longer than you planned. It was 1 in the morning and I don’t even remember why you had to wait. I think if you plumbed the depths of your feelings, you’d find the wait a small thing in the big picture that is your life. But remember when I tried to count back your change? Remember what you told me?

“You don’t have to count it back.”

Forbid. And never bring it up again. Remember how I looked you in the eye and told you, “I have to.” I meant it. Don’t mess with my cashiering skills in such a way. Ever.

Now go give someone those nice roses and have a nice evening.

The lost lady looking for the school supplies–

When you interrupted my transaction with the chatty ladies to ask if I had the ads from other stores, I felt the nudge of irritation tempt me for one second. Then when you came back and interrupted again to ask if we carried a certain kind of binder, my eye almost twitched a little. But then you redeemed yourself.

Remember what you asked me?
“Don’t you know what kind of binders the school is talking about? You look young enough.”

There are two ways I could take that. Either you thought I was young enough to attend school, or you thought I was young enough to have children in school. I will choose the former, thank you very much.


Laboriously Yours,
The Friendly Cashier

And Now-A Word From Our Sponsors

Hey. Super Hero guy here. We just wanted to pop in and give a shout out to The Gremlin Wrangler. She's a little busy wrangling a strange and mysterious virus. It would seem she came in contact with some radioactive no bake cookies and needs time to recover.

So I wanted to let you people know that there's only one day left to vote. A vote for The Gremlin Wrangler is a vote for all obscure super heroes everywhere. It's a vote for justice and social glue. It's a vote for my unattached legs. Because if she wins, she'll be so happy she might actually buy the glue to fix my legs.

And now, a word from Lex Luthor: greatest criminal mastermind of our time.

Usually I scoff at the sea of humanity. I'm above all you peons and cringe at what a waste of time my appearing here is. But there's something in it for me if you vote for that gremlin lady. I can't tell you what or I'd have to kill you.

Suffice it to say, you need to hurry and vote. If you don't, I'll be forced to turn North America into a wasteland fit only for Mutants and Star Trek convention attendees.

The ball's in your court.