One of the best things about the aftermath of any election around here is the time about a week afterward when all the write-in votes become available online. That is some entertaining reading.
Take, for instance, the presidential ballot write-ins in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Sure, there are some stray write-ins that make sense, such as those for third party candidates that didn’t land a spot on the ballot in Pennsylvania, like the Green Party’s Cynthia McKinney and the Constitution Party’s Chuck Baldwin, as well as the 450 some-odd write-ins by the Ron Paul Pod People, and some other write-ins by the Hillary Clinton dead-enders.
Most of the write-ins, however, really make you wonder about the people who submitted them. There are several subcategories of these write-in voters. The first category is those who clearly cannot spell, such as the person in Millport, Warwick Township, who voted for “Arnold Schwatzenegger.” Not only did the spelling of The Ahnold’s last name escape this individual, so did the fact that as a naturalized U.S. citizen, The Governator could never become president anyway. Maybe we can all agree that someone like the individual from Lancaster City who wrote in “Non Of The Above” probably shouldn’t be casting a real vote anyway because they’re either stupid or French.
Six individuals wrote in diplomat/perpetually failed candidate/conservative commentator Alan Keyes, namesake of the most comically titled show in cable news history, Alan Keyes Is Making Sense. He didn’t appear to make enough sense to the two individuals who wrote in “Allen Keyes,” though. Then there’s the individual on the east side of Landisville who wrote in ancient Egyptian pyramid heiress “Pharis Hilton” (Paris Hilton did get one vote in Adamstown, by the way — that white haired dude must have convinced that voter).
Then there’s the people who obviously think the election is a farce. Some of them vote for the dead: i.e., “Richard Nixon,” “Jesus Christ” (who I don’t think was ever a U.S. citizen, either), or for the combined ticket of “Ronald Reagan Gerald Ford.” Others vote for animals or fictional characters, like “Trevor The Dog,” “Daffy Duck,” “Mickey Mouse Minnie Mouse,” “Obi Wan Kenobi,” etc.
There are also those who like to cross political lines when balancing their personal presidential/VP tickets. These are the individuals who write in tickets like John McCain for president with Barack Obama for VP, Colin Powell for president with Joe Liebermann for VP, or Dennis Kucinich for president with Willie Nelson for VP.
Some jokers are out there, too, like the people who voted for totally unqualified celebrities like “Alice Cooper,” “Tony Stewart,” “Bill O’Reilly,” “Chuck Norris,” “Jesse Ventura,” “Joe Paterno,” “Joe the Plumber,” “Lou Dobbs,” “Pete Rose,” and “Fred Thompson.”
Then there are those for whom the only possible explanation is catastrophic brain damage. How else can you explain a vote from Lancaster City of “Cheese Bagel Cream Cheese” for president of the United States? How else can you explain the individual from Millcreek in East Hempfield Township who wrote in “Catholic,” not just for president, but for every office on the ballot? Or, my personal favorite, the horribly confused individual in Lancaster City who wrote in Barack Obama for president with Sarah Palin for VP.
These are just some of the joys that await when scanning the write-in section.
I, Cheese Bagel Cream Cheese, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. And be delicious.
