In a Few Minutes

They will all be here.

Mr. Nim, the kids, Granny and Doc, The Lawyer and his Wife, maybe some of her kids, who the hell knows.

They've invited themselves for dinner but are bringing sandwiches since my kitchen is filled with traif.

Pious motherfuckers.

It Would Have Been Rude to Say No

Yesterday afternoon my neighbor came over with two bundles wrapped in tin foil. "Pot Brownies!" he declared, and left them for Mr. Nim and I to enjoy.

Because I am a kind and gracious neighbor, I accepted the gift and called my friend The Pastor. (not even making that up) "Hey Pastor," I said, "Wanna get really high?"

17 minutes later I'm in her kitchen drinking hot tea and nibbling brownies.

25 minutes after that we aren't high so we polish them off.

2 hours later I'm sitting with three kids and Mr. Nim at uWink and I'm fairly certain I saw the entire cast and crew of Jackass dressed in short blonde wigs. It was complete and utter sensory overload coupled with the most hideous food-like substances known to mankind. I know that Mr. Nim was making fun of me and I was totally going to give him a bunch of lip but I couldn't make my lips move.

Not kidding. I tried to talk and nothing came out. A dream come true for any husband, no?

The neighbor stopped by this morning to ask if the brownies were good and I told him a little of the evening.

"Each brownie serves four people." And he just looked down at me shaking his head slowly and stroking his beard.

I relayed the information to Mr. Nim and it went like this, "blah blah brownies blah blah gift, blah, I hope it didn't ruin your evening, blah blah blah. Hey, It happens."

He pulled the car to the side of the road, "No. Actually, it doesn't."

Oh my.

Overheard: Wherein Granny Doe Proves She's A Neanderthal

Today on the phone:

ME: Oh Mom, the meetings went so well today and I just know that this is happening all around me. They used the O word and everything.

GRANNY DOE: O word?

ME: Option! There are two companies wanting to option the show and I'm so tired right now my bones ache.

GRANNY DOE: What are you going to do if they want you to work.

ME: Huh?

GRANNY DOE: Mr. Nim isn't going to let you do this if it interferes with the kids. You know that.

ME: Well, there is a magic number, and when we get to that then we have a discussion about how much time each of us has.

GRANNY DOE: Mr. Nim won't let you abandon those kids. They're your job*.

To be clear, Granny Doe did spend 28 short years in the workforce and she's never asked anyone's permission for anything.

As usual, I have a few tricks up my sleeveless cocktail gown. You may recall Doc Doe has retired. You may have noticed the stock market has crashed. For $10 an hour methinks I could get the old guy to pick those kids up from school and tidy up a little 'round the old homestead.

*Granny Doe is right

Television

This week I've done two radio shows and I have two pitch meetings scheduled with networks.

I have an agent and sense of superiority.

Next week there are 6 more meetings and I'm wondering how I'll shave my legs that many days all in a row.

You really must be careful when you wish.

Exhaustion

I told him this weekend that his access to my children was limited to my convenience and he was never again to be alone with them.

I told him he was a bully and that Adam was off limits. I reminded him that I would choose my children over him yesterday, today and tomorrow. I wasn't hateful, hysterical or cruel, though I wanted to be. I was resolute and calm; I think I scared him because he didn't try and lawyer me. He didn't try to deny it.

We saw each other at the tennis club and never spoke nor made eye contact. It's an untenable situation and I'm sad to report that the most likely resolution will be him being cut from our lives more permanently.

It was a horrible decision on his part to fuck with my kid.

What sort of mother would I be if I offered him up again?

On Hiatus

My TV show has been optioned.

I'm busy y'all.

Friday Confession: I'm Provocative

In and around the web my voice resonates because I'm willing to say what no one else will.

Sometimes I stretch it. This is entertainment, after all.

6 Hours of Scrubbing

Of window washing.

It involved ladders and soap, furniture moving and a few tears. Screens were suds-up and a good time was had by all.

Mr. Nim walked in the front door, looked around a little and said, "Red Tide?"

We've been married too long.